destined to be mine 5

"Nasaan ka na naman kaya ngayon, Kenneth?" I asked myself habang nangalumbaba sa mesa ng aking favorite coffeeshop at tinititigan ang unti-unting pagkatunaw ng vanilla ice cream toppings ng frappe ko. Special request ko iyon sa barista when I ordered my drink. Na instead of whipped cream, I would rather have vanilla ice cream on my frappe. At dahil mabait siya pinagbigyan niya ang request ko for free.

Nandito ako ngayon dahil sobrang nabu-bore na ako sa apartment habang naghihintay kung kailan magpaparamdam ang pinakaimportanteng lalaki sa buhay ko. Si Kenneth.

The last time we saw each other was last month when we celebrated our third monthsary. After that, wala na naman. Busy na naman siya. Lately, napapansin kong unti-unti na siyang nawawalan ng oras para sa akin. Busy at work daw. Madami daw ginagawa at hinahabol na deadlines blah blah. Pero at the back of my mind, I couldn't help but wonder if he is really working or…

Stop. Erase. Napag-usapan na namin iyon. Ilang beses na nga actually.

"All I ask of you is for you to trust me," sabi niya sa akin noon. So I stopped asking for his whereabouts. But times like this, hindi ko maiwasang mag-alala kung nasaan na siya at kung bakit kanina pa niya hindi sinasagot ang texts at tawag ko. Work na naman ba? Kailan naman kaya siya magkakaroon ng time for me?

Minsan naisip ko nang itanong kung magkano ang daily rate niya sa opisina nila so I could offer to pay him for a day just to have time enough for me. Yeah, I am that desperate for his attention. Maybe--

"Yhonna?"

It was a man's voice behind me calling my name. Upon instinct ay lumingon ako. I was greeted with a pair of capuccino eyes and a handsome face. He was smiling and looked friendly. There was something about this man that is very familiar. Too bad I can't remember his name.

"H-hi. D-do I know you?" I asked. Was that even a polite question? I don’t know.

"You don't remember me anymore," sabi niya na nakangiti pa rin. But there was an underlying tone on that statement. Parang sure na talaga siya na hindi ko nga siya
natatandaan.

"I-I'm really sorry. Mabilis talaga ako makalimot ng faces and names eh. Pasensiya na. But why don't you sit down and refresh my memory?" alok ko sa kanya. Hindi naman siguro masama na kausapin ko siya. We are in a public place afterall. At kesa naman tumunganga lang ako at maghintay kung kailan ako maalala ni Kenneth, might as well talk to someone. Para hindi ko naman laging naiisip si Kenneth and be frustrated kapag hindi naman niya pinapansin.

"Thanks," sabi niya at naupo sa tapat ko. Inilapag niya ang drink niya at noon ko lang napansin na pareho kami ng in-order. Vanilla ice cream din ang toppings ng drink niya. Nagulat ako. There was only one person I knew na ganon.

Don't tell me…

"I'm Alex. Your childhood friend if you can still recall," nakangiting pahayag niya. His smile was so contagious that it took me a few seconds to fully absorb his words.

I put at hand on my mouth to contain my gasp. Then I looked at him again and studied him closely. Now I know why he looked so familiar. No wonder he loves vanilla ice cream on his frappe too. He is Alex. My Alex. Ang boy na lagi kong kasama noon. Parang biglang may rewind button ang utak ko at bumalik ang isip ko sa nakaraan namin. We grew up together. There was one time na ayoko nang maglakad pauwi galing school and I just wanted to rest on the side walk. He offered to carry me on his back. Pumayag ako and fell asleep habang nasa likod niya. He was so sweet.

"What happened to you?" I asked when I finally found the courage. Bigla kasi siyang nawala after our high school graduation. Hindi ko alam kung saan siya pumunta. I tried to look for him but I never found any trace of him again.

"My parents had a fight back then. Naghiwalay sila at isinama kami ni mommy sa America. Sorry kung hindi ako nakapagpaalam sa'yo noon. I guess... I'm always a coward where you are concerned," sagot niya.

"Coward? What do you mean?"

Instead of answering my question, he smiled at me. "Ano nga pala ang ginagawa mo dito? May hinihintay ka?" tanong niya. His question reminded me of Kenneth again.

"My boyfriend. I was waiting for him to call me," sagot ko and smiled at him. Pero alam kong nahalata niya na malungkot pa rin ako kahit nakangiti. He can read me like an open book. He always does. Ilang seconds din siyang walang ginawa kundi nakatitig lang sa akin.

"I'm sure he will call you soon. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he is just busy with something," sabi niya after a few seconds of silence. I nodded a few times and smiled.

"Hindi ka pa rin nagbabago. You still know the right words to say to make me feel better," I smiled and took a sip from my frappe. Dahil sa sinabi niya medyo gumaan ang pakiramdam ko.

"Some things never change," nakangiting sagot niya at ginaya din ang ginagawa ko.

Vanilla ice cream on frappe. That was our favorite. Katunayan siya ang nag-introduce sa akin ng combination na iyon. Bland daw kasi ang taste ng whipped cream. Ilang taon na ang lumipas since we last saw each other. Pero tulad nga ng sinabi niya. Some things never change. Siya pa rin si Alex. My best friend.

"Pasensiya na hindi kita namukhaan agad. You changed a lot. You look…better than the last time I saw you," sabi ko. I wanted to say na mas lalo siyang gumuwapo ngayon but I couldn't dare. Lalo lumapad ang smile niya. The same smile he always had before. In fact, maraming girls sa campus ang may crush sa kanya noon. Because he was so friendly and nice. I'm just glad na kaibigan ko siya kahit pa madalas akong inaaway ng mga babaeng nagkakagusto sa kanya. Yet time and again, Alex proved to be a very good friend. He was always there for me and I for him. Too bad umalis sila noon.

"Actually, I was hesitant na lumapit. Lalo ka kasing gumanda ngayon at hindi ako sure kung ikaw nga ba si Yhonna na kaibigan ko way back in high school. But when I saw the vanilla ice cream on your frappe, I took the chance and called your name."

"Blame it on the vanilla ice cream," sabi ko.

"And the frappe too."

Nakakahawa pa rin ang smile niya. I just found myself smiling at him too. Just like that, biglang nawala ang inis ko kay Kenneth. Lahat ng reklamo ko kani-kanina lang ay naglahong parang bula. Until all that was left was the undeniable feeling of missing him so much. Sana nga tama si Alex na baka may importante lang siyang ginagawa. Sana.

*************

Nakailang doorbell na ako sa apartment nila Yhonna with a boquet of Gerbera daisies on my hand. Sinadya kong hindi magparamdam sa kanya so she would miss me like crazy. Masarap sa pakiramdam na nami-miss niya ako and when we finally see each other, she would run to my arms and hug me as if there was no tomorrow.

Ngunit nasaan naman kaya ang babaeng iyon at mukhang walang tao ang apartment nila?

I paced outside their gate habang nag-iisip ng maaari niyang puntahan. She loved to stay inside malls dahil daw maraming tao doon at hindi siya malulungkot. Marami siyang nakikitang something new and she loved the exercise. Pero sa dami ng malls sa city, saang mall ko naman kaya siya hahanapin?

Kanina nagtext siya na nasa apartment lang daw siya at naghihintay kung kailan ko siya maalala. Looks like umandar na naman ang pagiging impatient niya that's why she left. Should I call her? Hindi na magiging surprise iyon kung sasabihin kong nasa labas ako ng apartment nila. Iti-text ko na lang kaya?

No. I need to think of a better way to surprise her. Makapagkape na nga lang muna. Baka mamaya pagbalik ko nakauwi na siya. Then I can show up and give her my surprise. Yep. I guess iyon ang pinakatamang gagawin.

So I went back to my car at inilapag ko ang flowers sa front seat. Alam ko na may malapit lang na coffeeshop sa labas ng village kaya doon na lang muna ako magpapalipas ng oras.

--to be continued

 [behind the scene]

Nahirapan daw akong dugtungan ang kwentong ito. Hehe. Ang daming challenges sa buhay nina Kenneth at Yhonna. Both of them were tempted to give up at one point. Pero lab daw kasi ee kea ayun...

Disclaimer: hindi po ako si Yhonna. Isa lang po akong piping saksi ng mga pangyayari. At babae lang po ako.

Baka kung saan-saan pa mapunta ang introduction, heto na po ang karugtong. Pasensiya na kung SOBRANG DELAYED .

cupcake and ice cream

Kung kailan ko naman napaganda ang aking blog at nilagyan ito ng kung anu-anong abubot, saka naman ako nawawalan ng maisulat na tula. 

Pakiramdam ko ngayon ay isa akong bumbilyang uti-unting nawawalan ng buhay. Na kalaunan ay mapupundi sa sobrang lungkot. Nakakatakot ang ganoong pakiramdam. Low power na ako. Humihina ang supply ng kuryente sa katawan ko kaya nauubos na ang lakas ko.

O kaya naman, isa akong araw na malapit nang lumubog sa horizon. Maganda tingnan ang paglubog ko sa panlabas na anyo, ngunit kapalit ng kagandahang iyon ay kalungkutan. Dahil unti-unting lalamunin ng gabi ang natitira kong liwanag. Hanggang sa tuluyang maglaho ang kulay ko at maging isang ala-ala na lamang ako ng panahong lumipas. Isang bagay na hindi na maibabalik pa.

Para din akong isang bituin na madalas tinitingala ng mga tao at sinasabihan ng wishes. Masarap ang pakiramdam na pinapansin ako ngunit sadyang mapagbiro ang tadhana. Biglang naging maulap ang langit kaya hindi na nila ako nakikita kahit pa sila ay tumingala. Ang munti kong liwanag ay natabunan na ng makapal na ulap na nagsisilbing tabing sa mapait na katotohanan ng buhay.

Kung minsan naman ay isa akong buwan na madalas ikinakabit sa kahit anong kwentong mystical. Pabago-bago ang anyo kasabay ng pagbabago sa direksiyon ng mga alon. Ngunit kahit ilang beses ko mang baguhin ang aking anyo, may mga bagay pa rin akong binabalikan. Hindi ko pa rin mababago kung sino ang totoong ako deep inside. Kaya bumabalik pa rin ako sa pagiging full moon pagkatapos kong pagdaanan ang bawat phases.

Ilang beses man kitang pilit binubura sa sistema ko, ilang beses man akong nakakadama ng lungkot dahil wala akong naririnig mula sa'yo, bumabalik pa rin ang isip ko sa isang yugto ng aking buhay. Kung saan nangako ka na ako lang ang mamahalin mo. Pangakong hindi ko alam kung magkakaroon nga ba ng katuparan o mauuwi lang sa wala.

Ako ang bombilya at ikaw ang power supply. Ako ang papalubog na araw at ikaw ang gabi na magdidikta sa muli kong pagsikat. Ako ang bituing nababawasan ang kinang dahil sa mga ulap at ikaw ang nag-iisang nilalang na hinihintay kong mag-wish sa akin . Ako ang buwan na nagpupumilit baguhin ang direksiyon ng mga alon ngunit sa bandang huli ay bumabalik pa rin ako sa simula. Dahil may mga bagay pa ring hindi ko kayang baguhin.

Ngunit nakakapagod din ang ganito. Kaya sa halip na mag-iisip ako ng kung anu-ano, gugugulin ko na lamang ang oras ko para sa aking sarili. Pipiliin kong maging masaya para sa sarili ko dahil may mahalagang dahilan na ako ngayon upang patuloy na mabuhay. Kahit malayo ka. Kahit minsan ay hindi ako nakatitiyak kung nandiyan ka pa ba o mag-isa na lang akong nag-iilusyon para sa ating dalawa. Magiging masaya ako. Kahit hawak mo ang puso ko, ako pa rin ang magdidikta ng bawat ngiti ko. Isang cupcake at ice cream lang ang kailangan ko.

love,

destined to be mine 4

"Sorry."

Iyon agad ang unang salitang sinalubong ni Kenneth sa akin the moment I opened our gate and led him to our balcony. Lumabi ako sa kanya. Gusto ko pa sana magtampo yet seeing him look so worried melted all the bad feeling. I just found myself wrapped in his tight embrace.

"Bad ka," naiiyak na sabi ko.

"I know," he whispered. "But was it really a big deal? I mean, kasama mo naman ako kanina. Was that not enough?" tanong pa niya. I pulled away and looked up at him.

"I guess it's a big deal. I was hoping you would remember. Alam kong isang date lang iyon out of the many days in the calendar kaya lang kasi kapag naalala mo, it would let me know that this relationship is important to you as much as it is to me. Selfish na siguro ako pero it's not enough na kasama lang kita. I need your attention too. Aanhin ko naman kung kasama nga kita and yet you don't even know the reason why we went out together," paliwanag ko.

He didn't answer. He just stared at me in stoic silence. Tumalikod ako sa kanya to hide my disappointment. Naiinis na naman ako sa kanya. Ang haba na ng dialogue ko ngunit wala man lang response from him. As in dead air. I sighed and decided to continue with my speech.

"Well, unless this is just a game to you, mabuti pang sabihin mo na habang maaga pa so I--"

Bigla na lang may sumulpot na maliit na kahon sa harap ko. It was wrapped in glittering fancy paper with an oversized ribbon on top. Parang kasing laki lang ng dalawang pinagpatong na posporo ang size ng kahon.

"W-what's that?" I asked.

Mula sa likod ko ay umikot siya sa harap ko and we stood facing each other again. Nagpalipat-lipat ang tingin ko sa kanya at sa maliit na kahong hawak niya.

"Happy monthsary," nakangiti niyang sabi with those pleading eyes. It was a very brief eye contact but it was enough to get his message across.

At wala na, talo na uli ako. Nakalimutan ko na ang sasabihin ko pa sana. I just stood there and stared at him. Hanggang sa naging malabo na siya sa paningin ko. Umiiyak na pala ako.

"Sorry, bee. Huwag ka na magalit," sabi niya and hugged me again. I sobbed in his chest.

"Akala ko kasi…you completely forgot about it," I said in between my sobs.

"Matagal ko na binili ito. Hindi ko lang naalala na ngayon ang monthsary natin. It just slipped out of my mind and it was my fault. I have been busy."

I only sniffed and tried to compose myself. Nakakahiya na akong tingnan. Namumugto na ang mga mata ko sa kakaiyak.

"Sowe ha? Inaway kita," sabi ko while wiping the tears from my eyes.

He only kissed me on my forehead and led me to the couch. Umupo ako at Tumabi siya akin."Buksan mo na. Tahan na muna, okay?"

I did as he asked and was completely surprised. The box contained a silver bracelet.

"It's a charm bracelet," sabi niya isinuot iyon sa wrist ko. "See? I included some of your favorite things," dugtong niya and held out each charm ,between his fingers. "Here is your favorite cornetto, a bottle of coke, a cat, a bus kasi ang hilig mong sumakay ng bus without any planned destination. Here is your piano, a star kasi mahilig ka magwish at magstar gazing, the number twenty because it's our day, and a heart. It's my heart and I'm giving it to you," sabi niya.

I swallowed a lump in my throat. Reklamo ako ng reklamo and yet, there he was giving me his special gift. Hindi lang niya iyon basta binili sa jewelry store. Pinag-isipan pa niyang mabuti ang bawat charm na ikakabit niya roon. And because of that, I was teary-eyed again.

"O, iiyak ka na naman," sabi niya.

"I don't know what to say. Thank you."

"Shh. You don't have to say anything. Pasensiya ka na ha? Nangangapa pa din kasi ako eh. But I'll try not to disappoint you too often," he said and sniffed my hair.

"Thank you uli," sabi ko. Inangat niya ang mukha ko so I could look up at him and gave me a quick kiss on my lips.

"I love you," bulong niya.

"Love din po kita," sagot ko. "At may surprise din ako for you. Wait here." I stood and went back inside. Tuluy-tuloy ako sa room ko and took out the gift I prepared for him.

"Here. For you," sabi nang maupo ako uli sa tabi niya.

"What's this?"

"Open it." Binuksan nga niya and it was his turn to be surprised. Kinuha ko ang laman ng kahon at pinasuot sa kanya. It was a silver CK watch. Pina-customize ko so our initials were printed on the clock face.

"Ito ang pinili ko para maalala mo ako at mabigyan mo ng time kahit konti. I hope you like it."

"I love it. Ang ganda. Thank you," sagot niya. The look on his face was enough to make me smile.

"At may isa pa akong surprise for you. Halika sa loob," I said and took his hand. Hinila ko siya papasok sa sala ng apartment. Mitch is already inside her room so kaming dalawa lang ni Kenneth ang nandoon.

"Uhm…w-what are you doing?" tanong niya. I din't answer. Instead, I closed all the glass windows before taking his hand again. There was that funny look on his face.

"B-bee?"

"Huwag kang paranoid. Upo ka dito," sabi ko as I opened the cover of my piano. Tumabi siya sa akin ngunit clueless pa rin ang hitsura niya. I rolled my eyes.

"I closed the windows para hindi masyadong maingayan ang mga kapitbahay when I play the piano," paliwanag ko. He looked relieved.

"Tutugtog ka? For me?"

"Yeah. I had this song rehearsed a few days ago. Wanna hear it?"

"Sure."

So there I was. I played the intro of "The Gift" with trembling fingers. Then I started singing kahit conscious ako habang kumakanta. I almost choked when I reached the chorus.

"So you could give me wings to fly and catch me if I fall. Pull the stars down from the sky so I could wish on them all. But I couldn’t ask for more. Cause your love is the greatest gift of all…"

When the song finally ended, I couldn’t face him. Nasa piano keys lang ako nakatingin. Then he clapped.

"Wow. Ang ganda. Ngayon lang kita narinig na tumugtog at kumanta at the same time."

That was my cue to finally face him. "I'm glad you liked it."

"Oo naman. I'm not really musically inclined but I can appreciate a good music when I hear one. Plus, I love that song."

I smiled and planted a quick kiss on his cheek. "Your love is the greatest gift. Ikaw lang naman ang kailangan ko eh. Isang hug mo lang, okay na ako."

He cupped my cheeks with both hands. "Pwede bang yakap at chaka kiss?" bulong niya.

I giggled. "Pwede."

It was more than I could ask for. He kissed me and everything is alright with my world again.

[behind the scene]

Muntik ko nang paghiwalayin sina Kenneth at Yhonna. Buti na lang nagparamdam si *kenneth aka

destined to be mine 3

"ARGH!"

I threw the book I was reading against the wall of my bedroom. Habang tumatagal ay lalo akong naiinis kay Kenneth. I had been looking at my phone every five minutes to check if nagtext siya at hindi ko agad nabasa. But nada. Zilch. The blank LCD screed stared at me in mocked silence.

"Masyado bang boring ang book na iyan at kailangan mo talagang itapon?"

Lumingon ako sa may pinto and standing there was my bestfriend, Mitch. We live in the same apartment pero may kanya-kanya kaming rooms.

"Kanina ka pa ba diyan?" I asked sabay sandal sa headboard ng kama ko. Pumasok siya sa loob and sat on the bed.

"Napadaan lang ako. I thought about checking up on you and--teka, umiiyak ka ba?"

I only sniffed in response.

"Si Kenneth ang dahilan no?"

Another sniff uli.

"Care to tell me about it?"

"He forgot," sabi ko.

"He forgot what?"

Then I told her about what happened. "Mababaw ba ako? I really felt bad kasi eh. Tapos gabi na lang hindi man lang siya nagtext o tumawag. Parang hindi na ako nag-e-exist sa buhay niya."

"Why? Kapag tumawag ba siya, sasagutin mo naman ba?" Mitch asked.

"I don’t know. Pero at least kahit hindi ko sasagutin, I will still know na he's worried about me. Na iniisip din niya ako kahit paano." Then I felt a pillow hit my face. "Aw! Bakit mo ako pinalo ng unan?" tanong ko kay Mitch.

"Para matauhan ka daw. Ang adik mo eh. Ikaw ang nagsabi sa kanya to leave you alone for now tapos ngayong hindi nagtext o tumawag eh mag-e-emote ka."

"Eh, kasi…"

"Anong kasi? Naku, emo ka talaga. Akin na nga number ni Kenneth."

"Why? What would you do with his number?"

"Itataya ko sa lotto," sagot niya. I looked at her as if she was out of her mind. "Joke lang. Iti-text ko siya at sasabihin ko sa kanya na suicidal ka na kaya kailangan niyang pumunta dito."

"No way!" I protested.

"Hay naku! Di ba, nada-drama ka diyan dahil hindi man lang siya nagtext? Kaya papupuntahin ko na para tumahan ka na."

"Naman eh."

"Ayaw mo?"

"Ayaw."

"Ayaw talaga? Final answer?"

Sandali akong natahimik and then finally I admitted the truth with a sigh. "Gusto."

"Iyon naman pala. Ang arte mo pa. Akin na ang number niya, dali." I picked up my celphone and dictated Kenneth's number to Mitch.

"Anong sasabihin mo sa kanya?" I asked her. Suddenly, I was worried na baka kung anu-anong kalokohan ang sasabihin ni Mitch kay Ken.

Mitch only smiled at me sheepishly. "Huwag ka mag-alala. May mga ganyan din akong moments kaya naiintindihan kita. Ititext ko siya na kunwari worried daw talaga ako sa'yo. Kunwari, hindi daw kita nakausap para kunwari, hindi niya mahalatang gusto mo talaga siyang pumunta dito at sort of suyuin ka para peace na uli kayo. Okay ba?"

I grinned kahit luhaan pa ako. "Bestfriend nga kita. You know me too well."

"Oo nga. Hinawaan mo kasi ako ng kadramahan mo eh. Kaya tuloy nagiging creative liar na ako," sagot niya. This time, siya naman ang pinalo ko ng unan.

"Hep! Time out muna. Iti-text ko pa si Papa Kenneth mo para bumalik ka na sa katinuan."

"Fine," sabi ko and remained silent while she typed the message.

"O ayan, sent na. Let's cross our fingers. Kapag tumawag sa'yo, huwag mo sasagutin ha? Kunwari tampo mode ka pa."

Katatapos pa nga lang niya magsalita when I heard my phone's ring tone.

"It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.

Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.

And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now."

True enough, si Kenneth nga ang tumatawag.

"Don't answer!" Mitch warned me.

"Eh, paano kung hindi na uli siya tatawag? Paano kung mapagod na siya?"

"Sorry ka na lang."

"What?!" I panicked and picked up the phone but Mitch grabbed it from my hand.

"Relax okay? I have a feeling na ako ang susunod niyang tatawagan. Well, I hope so," sabi niya. After around ten missed calls, my phone went silent. Parang nakakabingi ang sobrang katahimikan.

Para kaming nanonood ng suspense thriller. Inaabangan namin kung kaninong phone ang susunod na mag-ring. Halos i-pray over na ni Mitch ang celphone niya nang tumunog ang message alert niyon. We both held our breaths as she opened her inbox.

"Ay, forwarded message pala. Hindi galing sa kanya. Sorry."

Nanlumo ako. Hindi na tatawag si Kenneth. He's not the persistent type. Isa pa, hindi naman sila dating textmates ni Mitch so he will have no way of knowing kung si Mitch nga ba ang nagtext sa kanya o ibang--

Biglang nagring ang phone ni Mitch at nagkatinginan kami. Sabay naming binasa ang caller ID at sabay ding napasigaw.

"It's him!" we both exclaimed.

"Okay, relax. I should sound worried kapag sinagot ko na ang tawag niya," sabi ni Mitch at pilit kinalma ang sarili from all the excitement.

"Hurry up," sabi ko. Natatakot ako na baka mag-hung up si Kenneth.

"Okay, heto na. Stay quiet," sabi niya ang pressed the answer button. "Hello Kenneth? Oo, si Mitch ito. H-ha? Ah…kasi naiwan niya sa sala ang celphone niya at doon ko kinopya ang number mo," palusot ni Mitch. I bit my lower lip habang nakikinig sa susunod niyang sasabihin.

"Nag-aalala na nga ako sa kanya eh. Hindi kasi siya kumain ng dinner and I think I saw her crying in her room. Can you come over?" Mitch asked. I held my breath again.

"Ay, hind ka na pwede lumabas?" narinig kong sabi ni Mitch. Nagkatinginan kami and I felt like crying again.

"Ah, kasi may work ka bukas. Teka, anong araw pala ngayon. May calendar ako dito. Oh, it's Sunday, January 20…teka. Diba 20 ang monthsary ninyo?"

Muntik ko nang sabunutan si Mitch for saying that. Pero hindi ako pwedeng mag-react so I remained silent and listened further.

"Hala ka! Hindi mo naalala? Kaya naman pala nawawala sa sarili ang bestfriend ko eh. Hay naku Kenneth. Lagot ka. Okay. Sige." then Mitch ended the call and grinned from ear to ear.

"He's coming kaya magprepare ka na. Pero siyempre, secret natin ang acting ko ha?"

"Thank you, best."

"Naku, wala iyon. I'm sure if the situation would be reversed, you'd do the same for me," sagot ni Mitch.

"Siyempre naman!"

"Pero nakakatuwa no? I had fun."

Nagkatawanan kami. "Oo nga. Masarap pa rin palang maging babae," sabi ko.

"Sinabi mo pa! Kapag babae ka, licensed kang umiyak nang walang dahilan at magdrama ng bonggang-bongga."

"Best actress ka talaga," sagot ko naman. We laughed at ourselves again and at our crazy little stunt just to get my boyfriend's attention. Crazy nga pero masaya. Sana tuluy-tuloy na.

destined to be mine 2

"YHONNA!"

That was the nth time I called her. But tulad kanina, hindi pa rin siya lumingon. Tuluy-tuloy pa rin siya hanggang exit ng mall. Gusto ko siyang habulin but she specifically told me to leave her alone. At iyon ang hindi ko maintindihan.

Why? What did I do wrong?

Kanina ko pa nahalata na malungkot siya. Akala ko nabu-bore lang siya kaya niyaya niya akong lumabas. But now…

"Ang labo talaga ng babaeng iyon," I said out loud.

Wala na akong pakialam kung marinig man ako ng mga taong nasa paligid ko. I was so pissed off. Ang hirap talagang intindihin ng mga babae. Misyon na yata nila sa buhay ang pahirapan kaming mga lalaki. And my girlfriend happened to be a classic example of that fact. Bakit ba nila kailangang gawing complicated ang simpleng mga bagay?

Kung hindi ko lang mahal ang babaeng iyon, naku! Iniwan ko pa naman ang game ko sa facebook just to be with her today. Kahit nalugi na ako ng ilang millions sa FarmVille, keri lang. Tapos bigla na lang niya ako lalayasan.

Hay. I remember the first time I saw her sa isang coffeeshop. She really looked fascinating and animated while she was talking to her friends. Then her eyes flicked at my direction and smiled at me. The room looked even brighter then. Parang naging common ground namin ang coffeeshop. Tuwing break ay nakakasabay ko siya. I finally had the courage to talk to her noong sabay kaming umorder sa counter and the barista asked for her name.

"Nice name," sabi ko.

"Thank you," sagot niya and smiled.

"I'm Kenneth by the way."

"I know." Nagulat pa ako sa narinig ko.

"You know? How?"

"I heard someone call your name once," sabi niya.

That was the start of our friendly conversation. After that, palagi na kaming sabay na nagka-kape every breaktime. I will not order unless kasama ko siya at hinihintay din niya ako minsan. I learned a lot about her. She was so easy to talk to. Parang pwede kong sabihin sa kanya lahat. She loves football too (soccer in US) and favors alternative rock over girly pop music. Kaya magkakasundo kami. Moody nga lang siya but that's okay. Wala naman yatang babae na walang mood swings. One thing led to another and before I knew it, kami na. It was the happiest day of my life. I remember that day--

"Kenneth!"

Naputol ang silent monologue ko when I heard someone call my name. Nilingon ko ang pinanggalingan ng boses and my eyes widened.

"M-mahal?" halos hindi ako makapaniwala.

Standing before me was my ex, Mahalia Satore. Everyone calls her "mahal" dahil iyon ang nickname niya.

"Hi, Ken. Long time no see," bati niya.

She tiptoed and planted a quick kiss on my cheek. Instinctively, napayakap ako sa kanya for a very brief moment. But it was enough to get my mind off my earlier predicament.

"Kumusta ka na?" she asked.

"Uhm, eto. Okay naman. Ikaw? Kailan ka dumating? How's Istanbul?" sunud-sunod kong tanong.

Noong maghiwalay kasi kami ay sa Istanbul siya dinala ng bago niyang boyfriend at that time. Hindi ko alam kung sila pa ba hanggang ngayon.

Instead of answering my questions, umangkla siya sa akin. "Lika, kape tayo. I'll tell you all about it," sagot niya.

Hindi agad ako nakakibo. I simply stared at her. Sure, she looked prettier and sexier now than the last time I saw her. And the neckline of her dress is a little too low for my peace of mind. Every little piece of me wants to go with her pero parang may mali. My brain is feeding signals, warning me not to get too friendly.

She's my ex afterall and I don’t want to rekindle old flames just in case. I still have a girlfriend to think about.

"O, natameme ka na diyan. Let's go?" pukaw niya sa akin.

"Uhm…n-next time na lang. May…may impportante kasi akong lakad ngayon eh. Pasensiya na ha?"

She smiled sweetly I could almost melt. "That's okay. Naiintindihan ko naman," sabi niya and let go of my arm. "Pero teka, bigay ko sa'yo ang number ko so you can keep in touch," she added.

Ayoko namang maging bastos so as a courtesy, I took out my phone and handed it to her. I looked at her again as she typed her number.

She used to be the girl of my dreams. I even thought we could end up together. But she fell in love with someone else and that was the end of the relationship. Hindi ko lang maintindihan why our paths had to cross again now.

"Heto, text mo ako ha? See you," she said and sauntered away.

Bago pa siya nawala sa paningin ko, lumingon pa muna siya and waved at me. I waved back while reprimanding myself at the same time. Sinundan ko pa talaga siya ng tingin when I shouldn't.

Tsk. Bad thoughts. Go away.

Binasa ko ang entry sa phonebook ko, the one she saved and I was completely caught offguard.

"Tweet" ang naka-save na pangalan doon. Iyon ang endearment namin noon. It was a variant of "sweet" na pinacute lang. I was the first one who thought of using that endearment para sa aming dalawa. Lalo tuloy akong naguluhan. Ano ang ibig sabihin non? Bakit iyon ang inilagay niya?

Ah, bahala na nga.

Ibinulsa ko uli ang celphone and forced myself to get Mahalia out of my mind. I still need to figure out kung bakit bigla na lang nag-walk out si Yhonna earlier. Something tells me it was my fault.

Maybe, hahayaan ko na muna siyang mag-cool down. Maybe masama lang talaga ang pakiramdam niya today. At kapag okay na siya, she will eventually tell me about it. Siya na rin ang mag-initiate na mag-uusap kami.

Well, I hope so. I really hope she will talk to me soon. I don’t want to lose Yhonna the way I lost Mahalia before.

[behind the scene]


Habang nag-iisip ako ng next scene for this story, dumating ang friend kong si Louie. The moment he stepped out of his car, I can tell he was angry. I invited him to the balcony and I found out about his predicament. Nakakahilo siyang tingnan as he paced back and forth in front of me at nagrereklamo kung bakit ganito at ganoon ang mga babae. As usual, nagre-reklamo siya sa kaartehan ng new girlfriend niya. He really looked funny and cute when he is frustrated.


"It's not about what she is and what she isn't. Instead of complaining about her flaws, why don't you just accept her for what and who she is kung talagang mahal mo? Magkaiba naman kasi ang babae at lalaki eh. You can't expect her to think and act like you dahil hindi mangyayari iyon," I said.


But deep inside, ooopss! Easier said than done. Kasi guilty din ako. There are times that I expect a lot from someone that I forget to simply accept what that person can give. If it's just one half of himself or one third or a quarter, so be it. But it would be a lot better if the person can give his 100 percent and show me his whole heart rather than just the parts that he wanted me to see. But everything takes time.


"What about me? Hindi man lang ba niya ako iintindihin?" tanong uli niya.
"Good question. Pero diba you reap what you sow?" wow. Ang sarap mag-advise. I wonder kung kaya kong gawin ang mga sinasabi ko.

p.s. kinakain daw ako ng selos while writing the scene when Kenneth saw his ex again. 

destined to be mine 1

"What's the problem, Yhonna?" tanong ni Kenneth habang naglalakad kami sa mall.

Mahilig ako magwindow shopping and my first stop would be at the toys department. Parang naka-auto pilot na ako at iyon palagi ang gusto kong puntahan. Then I would look at the biggest Garfield stufftoy available and just dream about it. Of someone who will buy that for me. Kaya ko namang bumili niyon. It's just that it would seem special kapag ang nagbigay eh ang taong mahal mo. Di ba? Memorable yun?

So I stood in front of the stuff toy again. Habang tumatagal, nalulungkot ako. I felt connected to the toy in some way. Si Garfield, naghihintay ng taong bibili sa kanya para may yumayakap na sa kanya. Ako naman, waiting for someone to buy it for me para mayakap ko na.

"Gusto mo?" tanong niya uli when I remained silent.

Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na 'Oo, gustung-gusto ko,' pero hindi ko ginawa. Alam ko kasi na bibilhin niya. May topak nga siguro ako. Ayoko kasi ng binibilhan ako ng isang bagay just because I wanted it. Mas gusto ko na bibigyan ako ng isang bagay just because he was thinking about me and thought of giving me something on impulse.

Di ba? Mas sweet 'yun?

"Hindi, I just thought about something," sabi ko na lang sa kanya and moved out of the toy section.

Sorry muna Garfield. No hug for you today and no stufftoy for me.

"Mukhang may problema ka. Care to share it?" tanong niya ulit.

Kapag bigla pala akong manahimik mapapansin na niya rin sa wakas na may problem ako. It's not actually a problem. More like unfulfilled expectations. Because when I enter into a relationship, I give it my best shot like it would be the last. Palagi. Ganoon ang treatment ko sa mga guys na dumaan sa buhay ko. So far dalawa pa lang. Si Carl na ex ko at si Kenneth, my present boyfriend. So there I was, giving so much of myself to someone and yet parang hindi naman niya napapansin.

Until now. Mainly because I was so quiet.

"Nothing. Uhm, masama lang ang pakiramdam ko," I answered.

He stopped walking and held me close.

"Masama pala ang pakiramdam mo. Dapat hindi na lang tayo lumabas ngayon," sabi niya and tightened his embrace.

I got teary-eyed. Times like these, nabubuhayan ako ng loob. Times like these, I remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. Because he was so sweet in the beginning. Yet habang tumatagal, nararamdaman ko something is missing and I can't put a name to it.

"I'm okay. I guess I just need to eat," sagot ko and left his embrace. Hinawakan niya ako sa kamay.

"Tara. What would you like to eat?"

"Uhm, shawarma I think," sagot ko.

He never said another word. He just held my hand and led me to the foodcourt kung saan naroroon ang nagtitinda ng Shawarma. Habang naglalakad kami hindi sinasadyang napadaan kami sa isang flower shop. Napangiti ako habang nakatingin sa display ng mga daisies. Daisies are my ultimate favorite. Especially Gerbera daisies.

"Gusto mo ng rose?" tanong niya. Nawala ang ngiti sa labi ko.

"No," sagot ko.

Totoo naman iyon. I never liked roses. Pero sana tinanong niya kung aling flower ang gusto ko, sasabihin ko naman. Alangan namang ako pa ang magbigay ng info na iyon? Para naman siyang bumili ng product na hindi man lang muna inalam ang specs so he will at least know something about it.

Hay, lalaki talaga. When can they ever figure out a woman's mind?

Well, kasalanan ko din siguro. Bakit ko ba siya sinagot nang hindi man lang binigyan ng test kung gaano niya ako kakilala. Tama. It was my fault.

"Bakit ka nga pala nagyayang lumabas tayo ngayon?" tanong niya uli habang papalapit kami sa foodcourt.

My heart finally sank this time. Sa totoo lang gusto ko na talagang umiyak. Akala ko pa naman alam niya kung bakit. Tapos ngayon magtatanong siya?

Haller! Monthsary kaya namin ngayon! Ang sarap talagang batukan ng lalaking ito. Napaka-insensitive.

"Uhm, Ken, uwi na lang ako. Masama talaga pakiramdam ko eh. Ingat ka na lang," sabi ko and turned away.

It was disappointment to the tenth power. Isa lang ang alam kong pwede kong gawin without making a fool out of myself. Walk out.

"Yhonna! Wait! Ihahatid na kita."

"No. I'll take a cab. Iwan mo na ako," sagot ko without stopping. Humabol pa rin siya.

"Yhonna, don't be silly. Ihahatid nga kasi kita."

This time, huminto na ako. "Ken, can you do me a favor?"

"Sure. What is it?"

"Can you leave me alone? For now? Saka na lang tayo mag-usap."

"Ha?! Bakit? Anong kasalanan ko? Yhonna!"

Iniwan ko na siya. Hindi na ako lumingon kahit ilang beses niya tinawag ang pangalan ko. I don't know. Napuno na siguro ako o kaya napagod. Basta lumabas na lang ako ng mall at pumara ng taxi pauwi. Nang makasakay na ako ng taxi saka pa lang ako umiyak. Parang mas masarap yatang maging single na lang ako. At least wala akong inaasahang babati ng happy monthsary. Wala akong aasahang magbibigay ng surprise for no reason at all.

Pero mahal ko din naman siya. Baka nakalimutan lang talaga niya. Sana hindi ko na muna siya sinagot. Kasi noong nanliligaw pa lang siya very attentive siya sa akin. Ngayon nakakalimutan na lang niya ako.

May future nga ba kaming dalawa o pareho lang naming sinasayang ang oras ng isa't isa? Are we really meant for each other?

--to be continued--